I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize