last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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