I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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