she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
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I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
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Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
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