I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
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I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
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I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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