How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
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Reggie can tackle my bush.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
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Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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