My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize