my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
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Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
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I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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