I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
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New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
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Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
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