sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
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i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
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I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
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