Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
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I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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