Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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