Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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