We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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