four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
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I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
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If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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