this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
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I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
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There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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