the condom got lost in my hair
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
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