I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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