someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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