I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
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So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
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The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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