I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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