The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
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Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
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Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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