Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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