im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
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I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
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It's no shave November. This is our time.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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