a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
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i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
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We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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