If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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