cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
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When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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