Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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