There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
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We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
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I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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