I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
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You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
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I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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