this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize