So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
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The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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