i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
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I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
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You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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