So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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