walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
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hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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