Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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