chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
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