Quick, to the slutcave!
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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