So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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