if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
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Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
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You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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