i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
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