I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
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I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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