The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I FOUND THE LEGS
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize