Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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