I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize