"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
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I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
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He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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