I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
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I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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