I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
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the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
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The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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