i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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