Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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